


Baby Blues Black All Over

by AFrostByTrade



Category: Supernatural
Genre: And Sass, BUT I DO LOVE SAM I SWEAR, Baby is very sassy, But in all fairness, Fluff and Crack, Four for you Baby! You go Baby!, I am sorry about Sam., I can't even, M/M, Multi, Other, What Was I Thinking?, he is actually quite the little bitch, lots of crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-11
Updated: 2013-05-01
Packaged: 2017-12-08 04:00:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/756802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AFrostByTrade/pseuds/AFrostByTrade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack fic, in which whatever the hell Dean and Sam are fighting can turn inanimate objects into people. So of course, this thing hits Dean where it hurts and turns Baby human. And Dean is in for a surprise after that.<br/>*Fun random side fact: I have the same birthday as Baby. I feel like this is a serious accomplishment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wait... What?!

**Author's Note:**

> I got bored, and I'm so very sorry.  
> Disclaimer: If I owned the show or the characters, there would be a lot of crack like this happening.

It had been days since they left on the hunt for this thing, and they still weren't any closer than where they were to begin with.

“Geez Sammy, I thought you were good at this research stuff!”

“Not my fault the every culture on earth has a completely different story from the others! At least now we know silver, holy water, and salt don't work.” He shrugged, leaning into the door of the Impala.

“Yeah, non-responsive to salt and holy water. That's so freaking comforting, man. Really, just great.” Dean grumbled, gunning to down the highway.

After a few minutes in silence, Sam decided to turn on the radio. Renegade came blaring through the speakers.  
“Did you change my tape?!” The elder growled accusingly.

Sam instinctively put his hands in the air, a show that he was innocent. “Dude, I swear. I didn't touch it.”  
“Then why is it Styx? I had Metallica in the last time I drove. No one but us has access to the car, and I didn't change it. I know that, you know that. So that only leaves one explanation, Sammy.”  
“I didn't do it. Honestly. I'll put in your Metallica, though.”

“Because tapes just magically change. Or who knows? Maybe Baby did it.” Dean stroked the car's dashboard lovingly. “Did you Baby? Did you change the tape?” He revved the engine twice. “That's a negative on her end, because she knows what daddy likes. Don't you girl?” He proceeded to stroke her again.

“Dean,” Sam started, sounding a bit frightened and put off, “You're sick.”  
“No, I'm sick and tired of hunting something that we don't know how to kill.”  
“You need to slow down.” Sam said warily, seeing the thick fog ahead.

“And you need to get laid. Now can we shut up about the obv-”  
“DEAN! Look out!”

The Impala went swerving to the left side of the road, Dean cursing to himself for not upgrading the tires last time he worked on his car. They had barely missed hitting the woman in the road, though she shouldn't have been there. And Dean was quick to voice that opinion.  
“Hey lady! Watch where you're walking! This is a _highway_ , you know.” He said slamming his door and marching over towards her. “Fast cars that go vroom vroom and _**kill people**_ on impact!”  
“I'm sorry about him, he's just a bit upset. Rough week.” Sam tried for kindness.  
“Very rough week, and I don't need idiots like you making it worse!” Dean barked at her.

He was busy still running off at the mouth to see how she had changed.  
“Uhhh... Dean. Maybe we should head back to the car.”  
“The car she almost _totaled_? That car? My Baby that she almost ran off the road?”

“You treasure you're car so much? I wonder, he feels the same way about you?” The woman spoke in a voice that was far from human.

“She.” He corrected.  
“I wouldn't be so sure about that.” The strange woman muttered.

“Yes my Baby loves me dearly, don't you girl?” Dean cast a glance over his shoulder at his car. Wait a second. “WHERE THE HELL IS MY CAR?!?!”

The woman chuckled, then vanished into the night, leaving the boys stranded.

“BABY!” Dean screamed, falling to his knees.

“I'm right here, Dean.” Spoke a boy, no older than seventeen.

“What? Who are you?” Both Winchesters looked puzzled at the boy.  
“And how did you get here?” Sam asked.

“What? You don't recognize me suddenly since I can talk?” The mystery boy fixed his hair. “46 years of you Winchester men and none of you bother to find out I'm not female. I should be offended. I should have quit! Should have broken down on the side of the road that very day you sold me to your daddy. Never would have went through all this mess.”  
Dean's expression was priceless. His jaw was dropped, his eyes wide, and he kept making a sort of whining noise, like a dying animal.

“Speaking of which, you are _**not**_ my daddy, so please do refrain from saying that in the future. I'll have you know, my parts are, or were before the first million times you've totaled me, half Camero, half Porche. You're totaled me, abused me, called me a woman, but worst of all, refuse to play any music I like. I LIKE STYX! I wanted to hear that tape! But no, Mr. Driver-chooses-the-tapes just can't let _me_ be happy for once, can he?”

“You...... you actually changed the tape?”

“Yes! For Christ's sake yes! And I hate how you put words in my engine! I only revved _once._ ”

“Well, then.... I'm sorry.” Dean tried. Here was his baby, his _Baby_ , a 46 year old car, trapped in a 17 year old's body. A boy's body, none the less.

“So much for my theory about-” Sam started, but Dean elbowed him hard in the gut.

“Shut up!”

Baby rolled his eyes. “Don't pretend like I don't know what he's on about. It's okay Sam. Sometimes I don't wanna be in a room with him when he's with me either.” The boy smiled. He always had a particular fondness of the younger.

“Whoa whoa whoa. You smile and be nice to him, but I get yelled at? I take care of you.” Dean tried.

“And you also have sex on my backseat, if you even make it _inside_ me, you eat and litter, you wreck me, you play the music too load and run my engine too hard, you snore and hit in your sleep, and if it weren't for you, I'd have probably gone to some nice, respectable business man who would treat me how I should be treated!” The Impala incarnate huffed and crossed his arms.

“And how's that?!”

“Like a _luxury_ car Not like some old pick-up truck.” He purred.  
“Should I let you two have a moment?” Sam questioned, already backing down the road.

“Wait a second... Where's everything we stored in you?”  
“Ugh! All you car about is your damn hunting! You never _listen_ to me! The other cars don't know why I put up with you. I'm starting to question it too.”

“Look, I'm sorry, Baby. And I'll do better in the future,” Dean laid a hand on the boy's arm gently, as reassurance. “But I really need to know where all that stuff is. That our whole-”  
“Arsenal in my trunk, yes I realize. I've only heard you say it 15 billion times over the years. And..... I'm not really sure. I mean, I know you're bag is right there.” He pointed to a spot on the side of the road. “But as for everything else, I have no clue.”

Sam tapped Dean's shoulder. “What if it's still inside?!” He whisper-yelled.

“Dude! That's... I don't even know what that is.”  
“It's not still in me! I'd feel it if it were.”

That was enough for Dean to go on. “Well then, looks like we're searching the road. Let's try to find a cheap motel while we're at it.”


	2. Long Walks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crack is highly addictive apparently..... I'm enjoying this waaaaaayyy too much.

After 2 hours of walking, they were all thoroughly worn out.

“Dean?”  
“Yeah, Baby?”  
“I'm tired.” He drawled out. “Can you carry me?”

Dean was about to protest that he was tired too, but then Baby added, “Since I give you so many rides at your leisure.”

Dean was beat. “Dammit. Hop on.” He couched to let Baby climb on his back. “Sammy, grab the bag.”  
“It's Sam.” Both Sam and Baby mumbled.

“Sorry. Geez.”

They continued another 2 miles down the road, with multiple stops to readjust their carry-ons. Before Baby stirred. He had fallen asleep on Dean's back, but something jarred him from his slumber. Something very interesting.

“Guys, wait a minute. Do you hear that?”

The brothers exchanged confused looks.

“Hear what, exactly?”

Baby shook his head. “Put me down. Put me down!” Dean let the smaller boy off his back, just for him to collapse to the ground.

“Are you okay?!” Sam panicked.

“Vroom vroom. Eeeek shpuoosch! Neeah neeah. Vroom Vroom.”  
“What the- Are you okay? Seriously.” Dean asked, getting increasingly disturbed by the sounds the kid was making.

He kept his head pressed to the ground for a moment longer, before getting up. “Help is on the way.”

“Huh?”  
“I told the car coming that I got into an accident, which is partially true, and that there are two humans in desperate need of a ride.”

“Wow.”  
“Shit. I've see a lot of weird in my time, kid-”  
“As have I, youth.”  
“But that takes the cake.” Dean finished.

“Don't forget that I'm a good 12 years your elder.”

Dean maturely stuck his tongue out. Sam rolled his eyes at the pair. Maybe his theory wasn't so far fetched he thought.

Shortly after that, a mini-van was driving down the road.

“Errrrrrk.” Baby whispered. The van instantly lost speed. The man driving it cursed and hit the steering wheel. The trio approached with caution.

“Excuse me, sir, but looks like you're having some car troubles.”  
“Yes.” The man was terse and apprehensive, with good reason.

“Well, what if I fix it? Perhaps, in exchange for a ride?”

The driver seemed to think on it for a moment before popping the hood and stepping out. “Alright, you can give it a go. No use in all of us being stranded out here in the middle of the night. Let me just grab my tools.” He said, heading towards the trunk.

Dean started to look under the hood. He reached his hand out to touch the oil fill port, but Baby slapped it away.

“This is not me. You don't know her. Just gentle play with the engine a bit without actually doing anything. She's not broken down, she's doing us a favor.” He growled, glaring.

“I know how to handle a car.”

“Psshhhhh. Barking up the _**wrong**_ tree, bud. Very wrong indeed.”

“Yeah, whatever.” He rolled his eyes.

“My ass _still_ has **indents** from your little temper-tantrum after John died. You think I wasn't grieving too? Well I was. And the last thing I needed was an beating from some-”

“Here are all the tools I have on me.”

“Alrighty then.”

After 20 minutes of gently playing with the engine, the van was 'fixed'.

“Wow. You really are good with cars.”  
“Yeah, I know.” Baby spoke. Dean shot him a look to shut up.

“He means, he hears it so often about me. Family business.”  
“Oh.” The man didn't seem any less confused, but he tried to sound it. “I'm sorry, I didn't even get your names.”

“Well, I'm Dean, that's Sam, and this is.....Tempetch.”

They all looked at Dean, each with a different reason.

“Tempetch?”

“Yeah... Mom was in her hippie phase then.”

“Ah. It happens to the best of us.” He paused. “I'm Jolra.”

Baby Tempetch let out a laugh. “And you think my name is strange.”  
“Hey, it's French. Mom was a language freak. Learned 9 before she bit the bullet, 14 if you include the dead ones.”  
“Oh.” The boy was suddenly quiet.

“She sounds like she was a very interesting woman.” Sam offered.

“Yeah, I suppose so, though we didn't know what she was saying most of the time, regardless of what language she spoke.” Jolra chucked over the memory. “So, you fellas got a place to stay?”

“Actually, we're just looking for the closest motel to check into.” Dean told him.

“Well, the Big Read is about 4 miles away. But for another 5, you could get a nicer room and better price at the Owl Inn.”

“Owl Inn it is.”

They stated getting in the van, Baby petting her and whispering, “Bvraaaa.”

Dean glanced curiously. 'Thank you.' he mouthed. 'Oh.' Dean replied.

They rode the nine miles out in silence, content with only hearing the whispers of a Bon Jovi album in the background.

Once they arrived at the Inn, they said their goodbyes and thank yous to Jolra.

“Thanks man, it really means a lot.”  
“No prob. And if you guys need anything, I'm at the diner in town.”  
“Will do.”

“Have a nice night fellas. Don't party to hardy.” He laughed.

Sam could barely force a chuckle, and Baby had given up entirely, settling for feigning sleep, making Dean carry him again. Secretly, Dean didn't mind. He would rather him than Sam handle his precious Baby.


	3. Do I have to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I must apologize for the crackishness. And the delay on posting this chapter....

They checked in under the usual aliases, plus one. They decided to share a room like normal, but let Baby take the couch.

“Why don't I get a bed?”

“Because..... because you're not paying.”  
“Neither are you, technically.”

“Sam, deal with him.”

“Don't drag poor Sam into this! He's the reasonable one!”  
“Guys, how about someone just share a bed.”

They looked at each other, then at Sam, then back at each other. “You're sleeping with Sam.”

“No! You are!”

“Why should I?! He's _your_ brother.”  
“Who you obviously have a crush on!”

“I'll let you believe that, if it gets me my own bed.”

“How about _no one_ shares a bed with Sam, you two resolve your issues and get some sleep!” Sam exclaimed before tucking in tight under the covers and turning off his lamp.

They looked back each other.  
“For some reason, I feel like that wasn't an 'option' as much as a command.” Baby muttered.

“Yeah, uhhh. I think I'll take the outside. You can have the wall, so I don't, uhh, kick you off or something.”  
“Sounds alright by me.”

They tried to get comfortable on the bed, adjusting to the lumpy mattress and the fact that there was another person beside them. (in Dean's case, someone he hadn't slept with)

“Baby?”

“I thought I was Tempetch.”

Dean's eyeroll was almost audible. He shifted in the bed again. “....Sorry.”

Baby sat up and looked at the man lying next to him, resting a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “It's fine, Dean. Everything's fine.”

That seemed to do the trick for the duo, since shortly after, they both slept the rest of the night away. When they woke, they were a tangle of limbs, Baby wrapped protectively around Dean, as though trying to shelter him. Sam had a bit of a chuckle about taking the boy out of the car but not the car out of the boy before waking them.  
“Wakey wakey lovebirds.”  
“Shut up Sam.”  
“But Dean, don't you think you need to tell Cas that you're cheating on him?”  
Dean preceeded to glare at his brother. “One more word, and I'll d-” Baby stirred over him, nuzzling his head in Dean's neck.  
“Baby? Time to wake up.”  
“We need to go get some wheels.” Sam added.

Baby shook his head. “Ahnuhhunnahho.”  
Dean sighed while Sam tried to decipher what was said.  
“Why not? Too much like home.”  
He shook his head again, but this time lifted it before speaking. “Too much like hell.”

The borthers exchanged grave looks. For sure, Baby knew that both of them had actually been to hell and for them, it wasn't really a pleasant experience.  
“What if,” Dean started, but Baby cut him off.  
“Yes, motor oil for breakfast is a great bribe. I'll be ready in ten.” He spoke while getting up and walking towards the shower.  
“Well,” Sam shrugged. “Looks like we're going car shopping.”  
“And feeding a kid motor oil for breakfast. God, getting DHS called on us will be a first.”  
“There's a first for everything.” Sam winked suggestively before swiftly exiting the room. Which left a semi-broken Dean, who for the first time in a long time, was thoroughly and genuinely confused.  
  
“I don't wanna go in.” Baby muttered for what had to be the millionth time.  
“Baby, we've talked about this. You're not getting out of our sight.”  
“Yeah. Princess would have a fit if her most cherished prized item got stolen, wrecked, or damaged.”  
“Not. Now. Samantha.” Dean growled. Baby just giggled and latched onto his arm.  
“Now now princess. That's no way to treat your fellow kinsman. You must be gracious and eloquent and poised and kind.”  
“Not you too, Baby.” Dean said as they were turning onto the lot. Dean did a quick sweep of the place. 5 trucks, a mini-van like Jolra's, 2 SUV's, and 3 sportscars. “See? Now is this so bad?” The hunter reassured his car.  
Baby looked like he was going to fall ill, skin taking on a sickly yellow-green hue.  
“Maybe I should just wait out here with him?” Sam offered.  
“Yeah. Maybe that's a good idea.” Dean started to unlatch himself from Baby, but he only clung harder. “Uhhh..... Just... Don't pick the mini-van.” Dean told his brother. “We'll be at the diner around the corner. Who knows? We might run into that Jolra guy again.”  
“Alright bro.” Sam nodded before venturing onto the lot.  
Dean, however, started to lead Baby in the opposite direction. “It's okay, Baby. Everything's okay.” He kept repeating as they walked along. The yellow tint to his skin didn't subside fully, but by the time they reached the restaurant, the death grip had loosened and his petrified look faded into discomfort and disconcerted. Dean got them a booth and ordered them some pancakes. His had chocolate chips, and Baby got strawberries. After eating for a bit in silence, Dean decided to test his luck.

“Better?” He smiled warily.

Baby grinned from ear to ear. “Better.”  
Dean was quiet for a moment before asking. “So, what happened back there?”

Baby stopped eating and looked Dean straight in the eye. “That, for us, is like a slave auction. It's like, you hate where you're at, but at the same time, you might hating what you end up with even more. I know I don't always sound like it, but I was lucky to have gotten you guys. Some vehicles, they get abusive owners. One's who hurt them on purpose. At least with you, if I do get hurt, I know you got hurt first, protecting me.”

Dean still swears that there was something in his eye. The draft blew the wrong way and a piece of something flew in his eye. But he hugged Baby anyway, squeezing him close. He pulled back a bit, still gripping him tight.

“I-err We love you, you know that right?”

“I know. I believe you. I can feel it.”  
“Good.” They sat hugging for another few moments, until people started to stare.

Just as Dean started to turn back to his food, Baby opened his mouth. “Dean?”  
“Yeah Baby?”  
“I love you too.” He nuzzled closer to his driver. Dean merely sighed contentedly and put an arm around his favorite Impala.

Sam arrived right when they were finishing up their meal.  
“Aww. Picture time.”  
“I swear to God, Sammy.”  
“But Cas needs to know. You can't just cheat on an angel, Dean. Bad karma and stuff.”  
“Oh, shove it will ya? Cas isn't a part of this. What am I saying? There is no this. He's a CAR.”  
Baby didn't even bother to intervene.  
“What is Cas not a part of but needs to know about?” Cas appeared beside the booth.

Sam's playful expression dropped and Dean went stiff with agitation.  
“Nothing.”  
“Dean, why are you cuddling a car? A male car.... In public.”  
“Hello Castiel.”  
“Hello Baby. Why are you in a human form? And why are you cuddling Dean?”  
“Because I can be.” Baby answered simply. Cas shrugged.  
“Fine.” He said, sliding in on the other side of Dean. “Sam, tell the waitress I want a burger.”  
“No, do it yourself Ca-”  
“Cas, why are you here?”  
“You called.” The angel stated simply.

“You never show up unless you need us to do something.” Dean's aggravation grew.

“I was just checking the progress of your most recent hunt. That, and I wanted a burger. Sam, get to it!”

“Why? Is it that time of the month again?” Sam sneered.

“No. But you obviously haven't been getting laid enough. Now take the stick out of your ass, get me a burger, and maybe you can get something else in return.” Castiel retorted smoothly.

“Nice one.” Baby purred as Sam turned to walk away. He was grumbling incoherently about angels being dicks and fatasses and not needing to get laid. Dean had taken to playing with his long hair as a means of stress relief.  
“Thank you. Tell Dean to stop pouting. It's not very becoming of him.”  
“Dean.” Baby started.  
“Hush, you.” Dean gave him a glare just on the right side of playful. That caused Baby to start pouting.

“Wow. Maybe Sam's right about you two.”

“He is. And here's your freaking burger.”  
“Thank you, _Samantha_. You deserve a reward.”  
Sam tried to keep the gleeful glint out of his eyes. He didn't know why he bothered hiding it anymore. He and Cas had been screwing around since the day they met. But he insisted that they weren't a couple. Just sport. If anyone was a couple, it was Dean and Baby, and sometimes Dean and Cas.

“Ya know, I'm not really hungry, so I'm just gonna go back-”  
“Cut the crap. You,” Dean pointed to Castiel, “Get that to go. And you,” He now wagged his finger at Sam, “Go get laid. We'll be out a while. Take your time.”

Sam blushed a bright pink while Cas just grunted and averted his eyes. Baby laughed. “Get some.” He said quietly.

“Well.... I'll- We'll just be... Bye.” Cas said awkwardly.

“Twenty bucks says they don't even make it to the motel.”  
“There was a rather deserted looking alley on the way here.”

Dean smiled down at Baby. The car scooted closer. “This is, nice.”  
“Mmhmm.” He hummed an agreement. The waitress came over, interrupting their Hallmark moment.

“We'll take the check now.”

She popped her gum before sliding it on the table. She hadn't even taken a step when Dean was handing it back to her, a fifty folded in. “Keep the change.” He said, picking Baby up and carrying him out.

“I am capable of walking, you know.”  
Dean just smiled. “I know.” Baby leaned into his warmth.

“This is really nice.” Dean uttered, barely audible. Baby smiled and suppressed a laugh. They went back to the motel like this, blissful and quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :) And, in case you decide to stop back through, I have a question. Should I write smut for this? Should it be Dean/Baby, Sam/Cas, or both, or none, or some other pairing? I don't know. Right now, it's rated T, but should I crank it up to E? Leave a response and let me know. Thanks fellow SPN lovers.


End file.
